Dramakil (tm)

Being a theatre person is a pathology. The more I think about it, the more I am convinced that it is true. There should be a medication for it. If there were a medication for it, it would be given to more children than Ritalin and Robitussin combined.

Shot of two white, upper-middle class mothers--a strawberry blonde in a teal cardigan and a brunette in a pink cardigan--having coffee on a patio as their two kindergarten-age children play in the backyard.

Pink Mom: It's great to finally see Josh and Lindsay playing together. You haven't brought him to the playground in weeks.

Teal Mom: I've been worried about him. He's been skipping around the house, doing little spins and dance numbers. Yesterday I thought I heard him singing "Don't Rain on My Parade."

Pink Mom: Well, maybe he's gay.

Teal Mom: I hope that's all it is, but sometimes I worry that he may be . . .

Pink Mom puts her hand on Teal Mom's shoulder.

Pink Mom: A theatre kid?

Teal Mom looks down at her coffee, a pained expression on her face: she's trying to be strong for her son.

Pink Mom: Don't worry. There's a solution. My Lindsay had the same problem.

Teal Mom looks up, hope in her eyes.

Pink Mom: Lindsay's grandmother got her the soundtrack from Wicked and she had been singing "Defying Gravity" for weeks, sometimes even at night when we were trying to sleep. I was so frightened that she'd have to live her whole life that way, but when I told her doctor, he told me about Dramakil (tm).

Teal Mom: Dramakil (tm)?

Pink Mom: Dramakil (tm) is a mild dopamine inhibitor that keeps Lindsay from experiencing the high of performing in front of an audience. She's still able to enjoy watching plays and musicals, but she loses the desire get onstage herself.

Teal Mom: No auditions?

Pink Mom: No auditions.

Teal Mom: No rehearsals?

Pink Mom: No rehearsals. Not even an interest in speech and debate. Just one Dramakil (tm) a day and all Lindsay needs is an episode of Glee to satisfy her interest in the performing arts.

Teal Mom: And it works on all kinds of theatre kids?

Pink Mom: Dramakil (tm) has been approved for musical theatre geeks, Shakespeare nerds, those weird boys who like David Mamet, even the freakshows who still think theatre can be avant-garde.

Teal Mom: Are there any side effects?

Pink Mom: Side effects are mild and include headaches, nausea, upset stomach, explosive diarrhea and drymouth. But I figure what's a couple of nights of cleaning up Lindsay's shit-tornados if it means she won't have to spend the rest of her life begging her friends on Facebook to see her play Maggie the Cat--

Both Moms:--IN A CONVERTED WAREHOUSE!!! (Laughing)

Teal Mom: You know, I'm going to call Dr. Davis tomorrow about Dramakil (tm).

Pink Mom: You should. Dr. Davis's son has been on Dramakil (tm) since he caught him doing jazz hands.

Teal Mom: Maybe I can set him up with Josh!

Moms laugh and drink their coffee as logo appears bottom right.

Voice Over: Dramakil (tm): Because face it . . . it's not normal.

YOU'RE WELCOME, PHARMACEUTICAL COMPANIES OF AMERICA!!! YOU ARE FUCKING WELCOME!!!!!